The holidays ain’t no time to work on a fight-pickin’ column.
On top of ringing the register in an hectic retail setting, I battled – correction, am still battling – a daytime, sniffling, sneezing, sore throat so-I-can’t-taste-my-food sinus implosion. And then there’s travel. Drive back home to drive around the hometown seeing the friends and family who make that hometown what it is. (Sorry to all I missed, the phantom girlfriend and I shall return by the end of January. Amends will be made.) Then drive back to Orlando to take down Christmas decorations both at home and at work, continue battling cold, accommodate visiting drunkards and try to enjoy the college bowl season despite the fact that my team is barely an also-ran.
There’s my excuse, you hyenas, so now let’s make some abridged picks. We’ll score it the same as last time, unless I pick as poorly as last time, in which case I won’t tally any points and you’ll have to break a mental sweat to bust my balls.
Jimy Hettes def. Nam Phan, Submission (rear naked choke), Round 2
Phan’s a fan favorite from the Ultimate Fighter who has twice gone to war with Leonard “The Human Punching Bag” Garcia. Jim Hettes is an undefeated submission bad ass who most recently gave the anaconda treatment to Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres. I want to go with Phan because I’m more familiar with him, but he’s kind of a wild card. You could call him well-rounded, I call him all-over-the-place. And you could call Hette – who has finished all nine of his pro fights by submission – a one-trick pony. Well I’ll take a pony with a trick over trickless one. Hettes sweeps, takes Phan’s back and sinks in the rear naked.
Alexander Gustafsson def. Vladimir Matyushenko, TKO (punches), Round 1
What happens when a pinless hand grenade is dropped onto a whirring table saw? A big effin’ noise, I reckon. These two bastards are have been on a tear. Gustafsson has finished three straight in the Octagon since getting choked out by contender Phil Davis. Matyushenko KO’d two chumps since being handled by 205-lb. champ Jon Jones .
In your classic Swedish-Belarusian tilt, here’s what I foresee:
Round One:
5:00 – 4:45: Circle, circle, self-face-tap, circle, circle, duck, circle, circle, shoulder stretch, circle, circle, circle, one guy briefly jumps in place.
4:44 – 4:00: A jabless storm of leg kicks, haymakers and hooks that leaves one Gustafsson rocked, on queer street, in a world of hurt. You get the the gist. He turtles, pulls guards, and somehow survives.
3:59 – 3:32: Matyushenko slows his assault from the top, avoids half-assed submission attempts and the fight is stood up. Circle again, fellers.
3:31 – 3:28: The Swede lands a big shot – let’s guess it’s a good ol’ right hook that lands smack on Matyushenko’s ear. The Janitor drops.
3:27 – 3:06: Gustafsson trounces the older Belarusian, as Joe Rogan explains why the stoppage is controversial while Mike Goldberg asks him to clarify what a stoppage is.
Johny Hendricks def. Jon Fitch, KO (punch), Round 1
There’s sensibility and then there’s my hatred for Jon Fitch’s fights. I feel like the only way to derail Fitch’s lay-and-pray train is by catching him with a knee as he shoots or by throwing standup mediocre enough to confuse his cheekbones into hurtling into your fist. Hendricks feasibly could pull this off. So I’m going with it.
Donald Cerrone def. Nate Diaz, Unanimous Decision, Round 3
A few weeks ago, I saw a list of the best fights of 2011 and I was legitimately confused. Did this list-compiler not realize what was on the horizon? Sure Dec. 30 is pretty late in the year, but it’s still technically 2011, right? Diaz is the guy who tried to fight the entire Ultimate Fighter house. Cerrone calls fighters out pretty much every time he hits the Octagon. His hatred of Cole Miller and Jamie Varner is pretty well publicized. The only potential matchup more volatile than this would be Chael Sonnen versus Junie Browning versus Matt Serra.
Obviously this Fight of the Year list maker failed to comprehend this aspect. Lucky for me, my head isn’t buried in the sand. I was not the least bit surprised to hear that Diaz, when approached for a handshake by Cerrone, slapped Cowboy’s hand and called him a punk ass. Then, at the pre-fight press conference, Diaz swatted Cerrone’s cowboy hat clean off his head. These are two crazy bastards with Mel Gibson tempers. It shall be a good one, but I give the edge to Cerrone, who has been heating up, while Diaz can’t seem to win the big one.
Alistair Overeem def. Brock Lesnar, TKO (punches), Round 1
I can’t stomach Lesnar. He’s a massive, powerful, athletic ox of a dude — I get it, so was Tony Mandarich. But he’s not a mixed martial artist. He can pull it off if he gets Overeem on his back quick and keeps him there, but that’s it. Lesnar has shown that he can’t hang on his feet. Velasquez demolished him. Carwin bludgeoned him until the ‘roids wore off (or lactic acid, whatever his excuse was ).
Unless Overeem’s (alleged) steroids fail him as well, the Dutchman will tee off on the five-gallon bucket Lesnar calls a head and finish this bout in time to shower and catch LMFAO at his after-party. Big tree fall hard, Brock.
